I need to file a crime report

The date: Saturday
The time: About 7 p.m.
The location: Pettis County, Mo., court house lawn
The victim: Me
The suspect: An unnamed bird
The weapon: Poop

That’s right, there was a fly-by pooping. Which somehow perfectly hit my sunglasses. Which were hooked to the front of my shirt. That’s a precision aerial assault.