I have 2 rules

OK, I have more than two rules, but these two are relevant to this week. Learn them:

Rule No. 1: Do not call and try to sell me things. When I say no the first time, I mean it. When I say no the third time, I am getting angry and will dodge your future calls.

Rule No. 2: Do not send me religious forwards or otherwise try to convince me to join your religion. I will not. I will make jokes about your religion being a cult, and mean it; you will get angry. You have your God, and I think that’s great; I have Bear.

On my drive home from Kansas City on Sunday (which should be a post of its own), I hung up on Mark to talk to a friend from high school. We’d been playing e-mail tag for awhile (and I’d been deleting her religious-themed e-mails), and threatening to call each other. I’d planned to call her Friday when I was driving to Kansas City, but I left later than I’d intended, didn’t know where I was going and was forced to suffer with bad cell phone reception. So I was excited when she called.

Until she tried to sell me things. I was a little intrigued (but quite skeptical) at first, because she (and someone else who happened to be available and on the line) talked about this exciting opportunity, but couldn’t explain what it was. You have to see it to believe it, she said. So when I got home she sent me a link to a very bad Web site and a very bad Webinar.

I can explain it in three words: Online buying club.

(Unsolicited advice to the folks at the buying club: Create a video. If you can’t create and edit a video, then ask your college- or high-school-age child to do it, because they can. If your children refuse to talk to you, which I can kind of understand, at least learn how to create slides that can be read.)

I’m sure there are benefits: If you’re interested, watch the Webinar. But if you join, do not call and try to recruit me, or I will be forced to turn my god loose on you.